


You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive

by Raven_Athena



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Death, Illness, Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, Self Harm, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:22:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1481128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Athena/pseuds/Raven_Athena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn writes a letter to Liam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in September of 2013.
> 
> WARNING: It mentions drinking and drug use, and it briefly talks about self harm. If any of this is triggering for you, please please don't read it! <3

_{754 words, 3,954 characters}_

Dear Liam, my love,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I know you'll never get to read it. Maybe this will be my way of coping. Of overcoming the grief. I don't know what to do with myself these days. I've just been moping around. Annoying the hell out of the boys.

We've all got our ways of dealing with grief.

Niall is over-working himself. Harry is getting piss drunk every chance he gets. Louis disappears for long periods of time. I'm thinking he's getting into drugs. His and Harry's relationship has crumbled. None of us know what to do without you. You were the glue that held us together, and without you we're shattered pieces lying around gathering dust. We don't even speak to each other, the last time we spoke was at the press meeting to officially announce One Direction was over. We couldn't keep it going without you. There was no point. One Direction is all five of us. Not just four.

My way of coping has been...I'm sorry Liam. I'm so sorry baby, I know I promised. After my moment of weakness that night, when everything became too much to deal with, I promised. I promised to never bring the blade to my body again. Never mar my skin with more scars. I promised, for you. But I have to. It's the only way I get through--if you want to call this getting through. The blade brings comfort to me. Dragging it over and over my skin. Watching the droplets of blood as they ooze out of the parallel lines of detriment I caused. It's the only thing I have control over anymore. I had no control over you leaving me. I have no control of what the boys do now, as they slowly kill themselves too by their own vices.

**_And I'd give up forever to touch you_ **

**_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_ **

**_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_ **

**_And I don't wanna go home right now_ **

 

I miss you so much Li. I wish you could know how much I miss you, how much I love you. I feel like I never told you enough. I just want to hold you again, kiss you again. Never let you go. Just one more kiss from you, that's it. I would give anything for that chance. Anything at all.

 

**_And all I can taste is this moment_ **

**_And all I can breathe is your life_ **

**_When sooner or later it's over_ **

**_I just don't wanna miss you tonight_ **

 

I can't stop thinking about our last night together. How we cuddled and kissed and made love to each other all night. Talking about nonsense. Giggling about things that probably weren't even that funny. Oh, how I wish I could have stayed in that moment forever. Now the memory of it is all that's left, and it haunts me constantly.

 

**_And I don't want the world to see me_ **

**_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_ **

**_When everything's made to be broken_ **

**_I just want you to know who I am_ **

 

I don't like going out in public anymore, If I can help it. I only do when it's absolutely necessary. I don't like their pity. The old fans, "directioners", constantly tweeting us their condolences when they don't understand. They don't know at all, Liam. They don't know how much I truly love you. How true the "Ziam" shippers were. Of course there's no way for them to know. We never got the chance to tell them. I don't blame them at all. I just feel bitter towards everything and everyone right now. Perhaps forever. You are-- _were_ \--my other half. My... _soul mate_. Now, I'm not complete. I never will be again, either. How can I be, without you here by my side?

 

**_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_ **

**_Or the moment of truth in your lies_ **

**_When everything feels like the movies_ **

**_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_ **

 

We were all so shocked when the autopsy results came back--even more shocked than we were about your passing.

Did you know you had cancer?

Did you know that your time with us was numbered?

Did you know that every second had to count for something--because soon your seconds would run out?

Did you know?

Were you just as oblivious as us?

If you did know, why on earth would you keep that from us? From  _me_?

 

**_And I don't want the world to see me_ **

**_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_ **

**_When everything's made to be broken_ **

**_I just want you to know who I am_ **

**_And I don't want the world to see me_ **

**_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_ **

**_When everything's made to be broken_ **

**_I just want you to know who I am_ **

 

I know you would want me to be strong. But it's so hard. I just feel so completely lost without you. How do I even go on, now? What am I supposed to do from here? I don't have any clue what to do without you. All of my plans, were  _our_  plans. My future had so much to do with you. You  _were_  my future.  I had dreamed about marrying you eventually, maybe even adopting kids, if you wanted to. We would grow old together. Sit on rocking chairs when we're eighty and tell stories to our kids about how we fell in love. Just like it happens in all of those sappy movies. Instead, this turned into a tragedy.

 

**_And I don't want the world to see me_ **

**_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_ **

**_When everything's made to be broken_ **

**_I just want you to know who I am_ **

 

I miss you Li.

_I miss you._

 

**_I just want you to know who I am_ **

**_I just want you to know who I am_ **

**_I just want you to know who I am ♪_ **


End file.
